Primary

Just one thing needs to be said---and just simply because I WANT to remember this. The primary in our ward has been amazing with Ethan. They put up with him without any strings attached. They've been great and one of the shining moments in my life and his. I just needed to throw that out there into the void.

I might not make friends with this one.

I.HATE.BLOGGING. BUT...

Something I have to get out of my system. Read it and advise, it will be painful and filled with my crazy 11:30 PM rage (which is usually calmed by sugar intake, but none such cure will work tonight). And I fully intend not to proof read or spell check anything.

My kindergarten was asked to not come back to school today. Yes, he has been struggling with the new expectations and changes in his life. His struggled in preschool, but not to this extent. This time there is anger involved, which has escalated to the point that he has punched to girls and to teachers. So today his teacher called me and said we would set up a behavior management plan and that I could come in tomorrow morning and go over it with her. 2 hours later, I got a call from the school counselor who expressed to me that Ethan would not be allowed to attend school tomorrow, by request of the principal. And then she told me that the principal is out of town. Hmm, that's a convenient decision to make. So now my child cannot attend school, and I can't even meet with the principal until Monday or later because he is gone.

Maybe this is a colossal over-reaction on my part, but let's start with the fact the school district said he JUST BARELY didn't qualify for any services (or in other words, any extra help), but there were some "RED FLAGS" and that we would , you know, just watch him in kindergarten. Passing on that news to his preschool teacher was shock and awe of course. And for anyone who knows my son they would probably agree that he is SERIOUSLY challenging. So the school district advised me that if I requested a specific teacher that she could really help him and there would probably not be any need for intervention. So I requested her, and we were all set for the school year. 3 days before school starts they yank her in to 1st grade and we get the new teacher, who has not special ed background. I try not to freak out and put my full faith in her. What else can I do? I'm stuck here with a school district that sees "RED FLAGS" but would rather make sure he is going to fail first before they give me any help. So here I am, freaking out on my stupid blog because I gotta let it out somewhere. The school, teacher, principal, and district has failed me in every way and I feel very alone, as if I didn't before.

There are 2 things really in all of this that made me turn to this stupid blog to spill my stupid guts. (1) I AM TIRED OF BEING ALONE AND I AM TIRED OF BEING JUDGED. Ethan is like a spotlight on my family, and directly at our parenting. I feel like the world's worst parent ALL THE TIME. There's really nothing you could say to change that because there are soooooooo many people that have made me believe they view my family to the contrary. I'm done with it. Feel free to judge away because guess what----SOMETIMES I CHECK OUT AS A PARENT. Yep I do. I can't handle this most of the time. It's the only way I make it through some days without imploding. I've also gotten good at shutting people at way before they do it to me, so that I don't have to deal with anyone's judgement anymore. There's really only 2 people in the world I trust to keep Ethan alive outside of Kyle, and they know who they are. I would be lost without them. Sometimes they are the only thing that keeps me from feeling alone.

(2) What is to become of my Ethan in this world? I so hoped for a positive start to the year. I knew with support from the principal and the right teacher I could get it (or at least I thought). So what happens? They get a new principal, and change our teacher 3 days before school. And I really want to know what has been going on to make him so mad? Sure he punches his brother, and his brother punches him back. What is going on in that classroom? Is it a 'let the crap hit the fan and then clean it up' mentality? I'm just so disappointed in people in general. I just am so underwhelmed by the lack of compassion . My whole life I have had a special place in my heart for people with disabilities. I volunteered in special olympics, worked in a special ed preschool, I helped out special needs seminary for a year in high school. I've always gotten it and people with disabilities have never made me uncomfortable. It is SO hard to be on the parent end of all of this now. It is so hard to see your child ostracized. And part of what makes it hard it because people look at him and they don't see it. He doesn't have Down Syndrome, he doesn't have Cerebral Palsy. He doesn't have a diagnosis--yet. But he is hard. Hard for everyone. And it sort of offends me that he has to have a diagnosis for people to have any tolerance or understanding. And eventually people just leave because he is so intense and so much to deal with. It's so sad to me.

Wow, now I know my kid doesn't have a terminal illness or anything and that I am being kind of intense. But the funny thing is, people show lots of love and compassion for someone who is suffering from a terminal illness. But if you just have a kid that is really annoying or out of control is better to place blame and think their parents are crappy. I am not perfect. Sometimes I am a sucky parent. My kids are alive, they know we love them, and we have lots of laughs together. And I only swear in front of them once in a while. There is this line in the movie Sabrina, it goes something like this---"try to see the world through rose colored glasses". I am searching for that optimism right now but I've sort of lost that person.