I.HATE.BLOGGING. BUT...
Something I have to get out of my system. Read it and advise, it will be painful and filled with my crazy 11:30 PM rage (which is usually calmed by sugar intake, but none such cure will work tonight). And I fully intend not to proof read or spell check anything. My kindergarten was asked to not come back to school today. Yes, he has been struggling with the new expectations and changes in his life. His struggled in preschool, but not to this extent. This time there is anger involved, which has escalated to the point that he has punched to girls and to teachers. So today his teacher called me and said we would set up a behavior management plan and that I could come in tomorrow morning and go over it with her. 2 hours later, I got a call from the school counselor who expressed to me that Ethan would not be allowed to attend school tomorrow, by request of the principal. And then she told me that the principal is out of town. Hmm, that's a convenient decision to make. So now my child cannot attend school, and I can't even meet with the principal until Monday or later because he is gone.
Maybe this is a colossal over-reaction on my part, but let's start with the fact the school district said he JUST BARELY didn't qualify for any services (or in other words, any extra help), but there were some "RED FLAGS" and that we would , you know, just watch him in kindergarten. Passing on that news to his preschool teacher was shock and awe of course. And for anyone who knows my son they would probably agree that he is SERIOUSLY challenging. So the school district advised me that if I requested a specific teacher that she could really help him and there would probably not be any need for intervention. So I requested her, and we were all set for the school year. 3 days before school starts they yank her in to 1st grade and we get the new teacher, who has not special ed background. I try not to freak out and put my full faith in her. What else can I do? I'm stuck here with a school district that sees "RED FLAGS" but would rather make sure he is going to fail first before they give me any help. So here I am, freaking out on my stupid blog because I gotta let it out somewhere. The school, teacher, principal, and district has failed me in every way and I feel very alone, as if I didn't before.
There are 2 things really in all of this that made me turn to this stupid blog to spill my stupid guts. (1) I AM TIRED OF BEING ALONE AND I AM TIRED OF BEING JUDGED. Ethan is like a spotlight on my family, and directly at our parenting. I feel like the world's worst parent ALL THE TIME. There's really nothing you could say to change that because there are soooooooo many people that have made me believe they view my family to the contrary. I'm done with it. Feel free to judge away because guess what----SOMETIMES I CHECK OUT AS A PARENT. Yep I do. I can't handle this most of the time. It's the only way I make it through some days without imploding. I've also gotten good at shutting people at way before they do it to me, so that I don't have to deal with anyone's judgement anymore. There's really only 2 people in the world I trust to keep Ethan alive outside of Kyle, and they know who they are. I would be lost without them. Sometimes they are the only thing that keeps me from feeling alone.
(2) What is to become of my Ethan in this world? I so hoped for a positive start to the year. I knew with support from the principal and the right teacher I could get it (or at least I thought). So what happens? They get a new principal, and change our teacher 3 days before school. And I really want to know what has been going on to make him so mad? Sure he punches his brother, and his brother punches him back. What is going on in that classroom? Is it a 'let the crap hit the fan and then clean it up' mentality? I'm just so disappointed in people in general. I just am so underwhelmed by the lack of compassion . My whole life I have had a special place in my heart for people with disabilities. I volunteered in special olympics, worked in a special ed preschool, I helped out special needs seminary for a year in high school. I've always gotten it and people with disabilities have never made me uncomfortable. It is SO hard to be on the parent end of all of this now. It is so hard to see your child ostracized. And part of what makes it hard it because people look at him and they don't see it. He doesn't have Down Syndrome, he doesn't have Cerebral Palsy. He doesn't have a diagnosis--yet. But he is hard. Hard for everyone. And it sort of offends me that he has to have a diagnosis for people to have any tolerance or understanding. And eventually people just leave because he is so intense and so much to deal with. It's so sad to me.
Wow, now I know my kid doesn't have a terminal illness or anything and that I am being kind of intense. But the funny thing is, people show lots of love and compassion for someone who is suffering from a terminal illness. But if you just have a kid that is really annoying or out of control is better to place blame and think their parents are crappy. I am not perfect. Sometimes I am a sucky parent. My kids are alive, they know we love them, and we have lots of laughs together. And I only swear in front of them once in a while. There is this line in the movie Sabrina, it goes something like this---"try to see the world through rose colored glasses". I am searching for that optimism right now but I've sort of lost that person.
3 comments:
You are a much better parent than you give yourself credit for. and for crying out loud- give yourself a break! Being a mom SUCKS a lot of the time. It's okay to hate it.
Add to that your child being difficult, for whatever reason, and you have every right to want to implode. I'm telling you, there have been days that I walk out to get something out of my car and I'm tempted to just. keep. walking.
And I love my kids to pieces. That doesn't mean I don't want to just get away from it for a while.
The worst part is not knowing why he's doing this. You're a good mom. All of your kids don't act like this all of the time. So you know that it's not your parenting. There's something off with him. That needs to be explored further.
Maybe it's just because I see sensory issues in everything, but I'm wondering if this isn't the case for him. Maybe being in a class with five million other kids was entirely too overwhelming. The teachers probably got frustrated and that only intensifies the situation.
There are laws. There are SO many laws that deal with this exact sort of thing. How long has it been since he's been tested? If it's been within the last little bit, tell them you disagree with their findings. They then have to pay for an outside professional to come in and re-evaluate. Things change. Even over a couple of months. Check out the book Wrights Law and they have a website of the same name. It's geared towards children with special needs, and even though there might not be an intellectual issue, there might be enough that he gets an IEP and you get off the hook for having a child that's merely a "discipline" problem. Because it's not. There's got to be something else going on.
I'm just so sorry. I really am. I've been there. I think it's even easier for me because when my kid is a shit, I can just say, "he's autistic" and parent's give me a break- whether it's deserved or not.
And about the checking out thing- every SANE mom does it. Or you'd go insane. Mom's aren't meant to be helicopters. We aren't. Our kids need to learn to be independent if they are going to make it in this world and I'm seeing so many kids where that will never happen because their mom's never leave them alone! I have a friend who did this- and no joke- she ended up in a mental institution.
I'm here for you. You are not alone. I promise you'll see that. So many moms want to say what you just said. You'll see.
Bonnie,
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. One thing that I've noticed as I've had kids is that they all come as themselves with their own limitations and abilities, and we as parents also came with our own limitations and abilities.I might not understand exactly how you're feeling because I haven't been in your exact situation, but I want you to know that I think you're a great Mom. It upsets me that the school isn't handling this situation differently. He's welcome here any time. Have a better day!
Oh Bonnie, it broke my heart reading your blog. I wasn't even going to comment because I didn't know what I could say to help you feel any better. But, believe it or not, I have a big mouth. And apparently it didn't want to keep it to itself. So, here goes. Satan is succeeding in making you feel like crap and it leads into this big cycle of you believing it and then not trying as hard to be a good parent because you feel like there's no way you'll be able to handle it anyway. You know all that. You've heard it before. But, I really feel like sometimes his biggest tool is to make you feel judged and isolated in this. And believe me, you aren't alone. And sure some parents/people are going to judge but I don't think those are the ones you should be worrying about anyway. Whenever I'm talking to my mom about how strong willed my Ethan is and I don't know what to do, she keeps telling me that he was saved for the last days. And some of these same traits that I really struggle with as a parent are going to be a blessing in getting him through, even though it's hard to see. My mom is a very smart woman :c) so I'm just saying my prayers and doing the best parenting job I can and having faith. But, I'll get to the point. I'm also reading this book called Child Sense by Priscilla J. Dunstan. I haven't finished it yet but I think it's REALLY good and think that it may be helpful. I just bought a used copy online. It may not help so much at school if they aren't willing to listen to your advice on dealing with your own child. But if anything, it might be helpful for you. Hope this helps. Thinking of ya!
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