Saturday, February 23, 2013

You have to start somewhere

I have always hated my blog. It's been really hard for me to care about updating it. I guess I didn't start to care until I decided I needed my blog to be for me, so here it comes, and sorry to the few of you that are still blogging and my accidentally stumble on this. I finally decided I needed somewhere to dump my crazy, because there is way too much of it in my head. Again sorry if you accidentally read this or if you read it on purpose, but I'm puttin' crap here because I can't put it anywhere else. I'm not going to spell check, edit, or filter. Nope. Because I am the ONLY one reading. Hopefully.
Let's start with divorce. I found out yesterday that an old friend of mine is getting divorced. She used to do my hair, I really like her, we had a lot in common and had become pretty good friends. Then she changed, and it wasn't quickly, it was gradual, but in the end BIG change came. I was really shellshocked when I found out she was getting divorced, but then I wasn't. Of course we would chat a lot when she did my hair. We would talk about our other jobs (at the gym), our kids, we'd gossip, and of course we would talk about our personal marriage struggles. Everybody has them, it was just good girl venting time. I always thought her husband was so nice. He was always very friendly and polite whenever I was there, and never in a creepy way, in a very trustworthy way like you knew that he was a good man.
     In all honesty when I heard they were getting divorced my finger immediately pointed in her direction. I judged her right away. I am sure it's none of my business whose fault it is and I shouldn't point my dirty finger. The more details I heard, the more I feared I was right. She had made things of, let's say plastic, more important than the real things and I could see the change was happening in her when she was doing my hair. That's one of the reasons I stopped going. I started to become very disappointed in her. A normal looking, happy family on the outside, corrupted for what may have been years on the inside. I started thinking, "this is my friend, someone I know well. How could she do this? What kind of person does this? No person like me." I remember that thought process, I was driving in my car, and I remember because I had a profound thought process next, "she used to be just like me. That's why we were friends." I realized that someone just like me decided they are done being married. Someone just like me decided to take different turns in their path in life and ultimately her turns landed her at this. It made me so sad to realize that. Myself and "said friend" had SO much in common! We both loved fitness, nutrition, we had crazy kids, we both loved to talk and laugh. It made me sad to think see her life change as I did. I watched her become more and more self obsessed and more demanding and selfish. And maybe it was my other very fabulous friend who pointed out that "said friend" used to be normal, just like us. She used to each sandwiches and chips everyday and be a normal weight, instead of starving herself, working out 3 hours a day, and getting spray tanned every week. I'm not judging spray tanning or working out or starving yourself for that matter, I am just saying it was a part of her process of downward spiral. It was a small portion of a much bigger picture. She is no longer just like us, and it makes me sad. It also makes me scared. People can be so changed and I'm not saying I am perfect or filled with faith beyond measure, but maybe I am saying that I feel like for the most part the things of the world haven't deceived me into thinking they are better than what I have at home.
   Which brings me to my home. I want to run away from it today. Today is rough. ROUGH. Sometimes I think people think 3 kids is cake. No problem. In all honesty, most days I want to cry. Ethan is everywhere and into everything. Ella is everywhere and into everything. And then there are two more of them that need me! (Jack and Kyle of course). I feel like people expect us to be the normal family but we are SO not. I feel a lot of pressure from the outside for me to take care of everyone else and their family too. I feel responsible for others and I also feel very guilty when I don't help. It's not fake pressure that I create, I promise. It's the phone calls and the facebook messages and the knocks on the door. It seems to never end and sometimes, I feel like everyone else needs me and I am at the bottom of everyone else's list. Yes, it's very self-deprocating and selfish. I know it is. But it's really how I feel: very overwhelmed. OVERWHELMED. No time for happiness because there is always so much work. No time for spiritual edification. Church is PAIN. Church is just work, work, work. I feel jealous of people who go to church and actually get something out of it, because I spend my sacrament meeting trying to keep my children from burning the building down and then I go chase everyone else's children afterwards. I don't even want to go anymore. It's depressing and sad for me. I am sad this is how I feel, but ahhhh it feels good to say it. My testimony is a mess, very a mess. I feel forgotten by my heavenly father. I feel as though I don't matter. I feel like all I am suppose to do is give everything I have until there are no smiles and nothing is left of me. I love to serve, I always have, but I feel as though in that service I should find spiritual upliftment. I haven't. I don't feel the spirit. I don't if know if I think there's anyone up there who is looking out for me. My whole life I have done what's right. I've taken care of others, followed the gospel ( a few naughty exceptions back in my younger years), done good for others, been a good friend. I'm still being good, but maybe now I've come to a point where the service feels in vain and makes me more sad than it does anything. It's hard to be shoved in to the back corner and only have people care about you when there is a job to get done and they need someone to do it. Crazy talk? Probably a little. This is a really hard stage in my life. I go, go , go all day long until the minute I drop into bed and then it starts all over. I am sad that I don't get to enjoy my minutes. I resent reading my scriptures, it just seems like more work at the end of an intensely long day. I resent saying my prayers, it seems in vain. I HATE going to church, it never spiritually edifies me, it only is work work work. More work. More never ending exhaustion. It's all very selfish, I know it, but I am sad and there seems no end in sight.  Depressing end, but Ethan is begging for the computer.

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