Sunday, February 24, 2013

Dumpy diddy dump

So look at this, two days in a row. That hasn't happened even once on my blog. Ever. Because I don't care enough. But I need somewhere to be honest, somewhere that I don't have to dump on Kyle. A void, not a person, because sometimes I don't trust people. It's not just about trust, but people pity you or they try to fix how you feel, when really you just need someone to listen, somewhere to dump. I trust this blank piece of paper, I trust that it will listen without gossiping to it's other paper friends about my ridiculous feelings and how absurd I am. I trust it won't judge or criticize the way I feel, it will just let me be, let me get it out, and help me to feel a little more relieved. Maybe I will sleep without stressing over my absurdities. Maybe tomorrow the things that worry and bother me now won't bother me so much tomorrow, because I dumped it out on this blank piece of paper.

    I've never been a good journal keeper, I've always kind of hated it. I never really found it necessary, I just saw it as something I was doing for, I guess maybe genealogical purposes, so I never really got far. I wrote in my journal when I was a teenager maybe 20 times. I had better things to do! So much fun to be had I just didn't care about writing! Though at the time I felt I had a lot of concerns and problems, it was a much simpler and less demanding time in life.

   Today was Sunday. Church. Meh. Screaming children in the nursery. No sanctuary. Again, me being selfish. I need sanctuary! But other people need it too and they also need to get their callings done, so here I am, in nursery. Yep. I had hoped for bonding with the other ladies I serve with but I beginning to think that will be another dead end of hopes. So sad, I had high hopes for finding kinship in nursery, but my hopes were dashed today. Just another place that people seem to worry about the dumb details instead of actually supporting each other in the gospel. It's completely my fault I feel that way. I have high expectations of new people I meet. I expect them to not expect me to be perfect, and when they do expect me to be perfect I reject them before they reject me.

    Be Ethan's mom is hard. Being Ella's mom is hard. Being Jackson's mom is a little less hard, but more riddled with guilt because he is a good kid and he doesn't get the attention and accolades he deserves. So let's focus on Ethan. I LOVE Ethan. He's so annoying, so annoying! Yet his is hilarious and crazy and I love it! He gives me a lot of laughs, but most of those laughs are at home. In public, people are very judgmental, and he is very overstimulated. He's loud, crazy, ignores directions, and is down right embarrassing. I'm used to it. Kyle's a little less used to it and a little more easily embarrassed than me. When Ethan starts to be embarrassing I tell him to look around and notice that everyone is staring at him and noticing his inappropriate behavior. Sometimes it works and sometimes he doesn't care.
    Our restaurant vs. kids score in 0 and 2 in the past month. I tried to have a casual meeting before my Zumba conference with my future roommates, two of whom I had never met. Within 15 minutes of being in the restaurant with my 3 kids I had to leave, in tears, with a wake of mess behind me at the table. I was SO embarrassed, but they were amazingly nice and understanding and didn't judge the crazy I was hauling. The waiter was really gracious, and I am really grateful to him. He didn't make us pay for the drinks we had already ordered. He say not to worry and even offered breadsticks free of charge for the road. I declined of course, too much pride. But Olive Garden earned a gold star in my book that day. On our second fail, Kyle and his parents were with us. We went to Denny's. The waitress at Denny's was not gracious and neither were the people. We got a lot of harsh stares and looks from the patrons. I get it, my kids look like a train wreck and we look like horrible parents. Sometimes I care, sometimes I don't. That night, I cared. Today, I care. I care that my children are polarizing. I care that people reject us and never give us a chance. It's lonely here on crazy kid island, but at the same time I would rather die than have those same people pity me. Who wants a pity friend? Never, ever me. I just want real friends, the ones who don't disappear within meeting our kids for a few minutes. The ones who don't see us as broken and someone who needs help. I don't necessarily NEED help me my kids, I more just need acceptance. I don't like being pitied by people. Some people do it because they don't know how else to respond because they feel bad for us. That's the worst kind of friend in my opinion, because they don't really respect you or see you as an equal, they just feel bad for you. I don't want someone to feel bad for me, I just want someone to sincerely be my friend.

     I think I am pretty okay, I think Kyle is too, but the people we are surrounded by make me think otherwise. I am jealous of the clique, though I think the clique is dumb. I am not a clique kind of girl, but the clique still makes me feel bad and excluded, especially when they pounce on the new people and continue to see you as bottom dwellers. I'm not a bottom dweller. Remember, this is how Bonnie feel's, which doesn't necessarily mean it's true, it just means that is how I feel in response to their behavior. I especially feel this way because someone who I thought was my friend rejected me and joined the clique. We'll call her Stella (you like? haha). Stella rejected me about a year and a half ago when we had a falling out. She was in a difficult time of life, and I said stupid things to offend her. I felt bad, I didn't mean to offend her, but sometimes she was pushy and I felt controlled and pushed back. I felt bad, though I shouldn't have. I apologized to her, sat down and had a good talk. I had a couple more after that with her. But after that it was all surface friendship. You know, the kind that's friendly to your face but is just a matter of tolerating you while you are in public. Behind closed doors she doesn't really consider me a friend. And as our distance grew I began to see that she never really did. More selfish banter for me, here it comes. We invited her children to several of our birthday parties, she never once invited mine. When I came to that realization that she didn't even attempt to invite us it made me feel bad, really bad. Then I started to realize other little things, things that made me realize I wasn't really ever a REAL friend in her eyes, I was ALWAYS just a "surface friend", it just took me a long time to realize it. I spent a long time hoping she would get through her "hard time" in life and reach out to me, but I really just watched her find a much more "appropriate" friend and she continued to keep her distance from me and still does. She'll chat on the phone for a few minutes, but it still just seems like she is keeping the peace between us, no desire to actually be friends. I guess it is what it is, but it was someone who I sincerely considered a friend for a long time and she's moved on. It still makes me sad because I really like and respect her, but there is very little like and especially not respect on the other end. Mostly just disdain and tolerating me. Sadness from me, I could use someone who cares. There was a time that my pride made me push anyone and everyone away a little, an arms length if you will. It's funny how things change, and kind of unfortunate at the same time.

     I feel like this dumping thing is making me sound void of joy and that's not true at all. Somedays I find joy, other days it is very hard and I feel very alone. I feel as though I am to learn something very spectacular in life due to the children I was given. Either that or I fear I might lose my sanity because I can't keep up with it all. It sounds ridiculous that these 3 kids put me under the table, but they really do. I'm in over my head. I hope for help somewhere out there. I would like to say I pray for it, and sometimes I do, but I don't trust my prayers. I feel forgotten by everyone, and especially God, if he is really even there. I'm angry. I'm not sure at who or what, but I'm definitely at a pivotal point in my life and my relationship with my faith. I've never felt so tested in my life. When I was a child my faith was firm and unshakeable. Now? It's completely shaken. Forsaken is a better word than forgotten. Completely forsaken. And I pity myself. I am jealous of those who feel edified and spiritual because I am so angry and alone I can't get even close. And duh, of course there are people who work so much harder than me in the church, so much! But I had a fabulous, yet rough 4 years in young women and I really need some love from above poured down on me. Sometimes i feel like if you don't have an obvious crisis (i.e. death, divorce, cancer, etc) then you are not allowed to feel overwhelmed or burdened or to suffer, in the eyes of others that is. They look at you and think, "okay, she's not a single parent, she only has 3 kids, she doesn't have to work a full time job, what's her problem?" I feel selfish for feeling down and forsaken. But I also feel as though I've earned the right. I have A LOT to deal with. A lot I don't share, not even with this paper, yet that is. Maybe someday I'll share the whole of it.

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