Primary

Just one thing needs to be said---and just simply because I WANT to remember this. The primary in our ward has been amazing with Ethan. They put up with him without any strings attached. They've been great and one of the shining moments in my life and his. I just needed to throw that out there into the void.

I might not make friends with this one.

I.HATE.BLOGGING. BUT...

Something I have to get out of my system. Read it and advise, it will be painful and filled with my crazy 11:30 PM rage (which is usually calmed by sugar intake, but none such cure will work tonight). And I fully intend not to proof read or spell check anything.

My kindergarten was asked to not come back to school today. Yes, he has been struggling with the new expectations and changes in his life. His struggled in preschool, but not to this extent. This time there is anger involved, which has escalated to the point that he has punched to girls and to teachers. So today his teacher called me and said we would set up a behavior management plan and that I could come in tomorrow morning and go over it with her. 2 hours later, I got a call from the school counselor who expressed to me that Ethan would not be allowed to attend school tomorrow, by request of the principal. And then she told me that the principal is out of town. Hmm, that's a convenient decision to make. So now my child cannot attend school, and I can't even meet with the principal until Monday or later because he is gone.

Maybe this is a colossal over-reaction on my part, but let's start with the fact the school district said he JUST BARELY didn't qualify for any services (or in other words, any extra help), but there were some "RED FLAGS" and that we would , you know, just watch him in kindergarten. Passing on that news to his preschool teacher was shock and awe of course. And for anyone who knows my son they would probably agree that he is SERIOUSLY challenging. So the school district advised me that if I requested a specific teacher that she could really help him and there would probably not be any need for intervention. So I requested her, and we were all set for the school year. 3 days before school starts they yank her in to 1st grade and we get the new teacher, who has not special ed background. I try not to freak out and put my full faith in her. What else can I do? I'm stuck here with a school district that sees "RED FLAGS" but would rather make sure he is going to fail first before they give me any help. So here I am, freaking out on my stupid blog because I gotta let it out somewhere. The school, teacher, principal, and district has failed me in every way and I feel very alone, as if I didn't before.

There are 2 things really in all of this that made me turn to this stupid blog to spill my stupid guts. (1) I AM TIRED OF BEING ALONE AND I AM TIRED OF BEING JUDGED. Ethan is like a spotlight on my family, and directly at our parenting. I feel like the world's worst parent ALL THE TIME. There's really nothing you could say to change that because there are soooooooo many people that have made me believe they view my family to the contrary. I'm done with it. Feel free to judge away because guess what----SOMETIMES I CHECK OUT AS A PARENT. Yep I do. I can't handle this most of the time. It's the only way I make it through some days without imploding. I've also gotten good at shutting people at way before they do it to me, so that I don't have to deal with anyone's judgement anymore. There's really only 2 people in the world I trust to keep Ethan alive outside of Kyle, and they know who they are. I would be lost without them. Sometimes they are the only thing that keeps me from feeling alone.

(2) What is to become of my Ethan in this world? I so hoped for a positive start to the year. I knew with support from the principal and the right teacher I could get it (or at least I thought). So what happens? They get a new principal, and change our teacher 3 days before school. And I really want to know what has been going on to make him so mad? Sure he punches his brother, and his brother punches him back. What is going on in that classroom? Is it a 'let the crap hit the fan and then clean it up' mentality? I'm just so disappointed in people in general. I just am so underwhelmed by the lack of compassion . My whole life I have had a special place in my heart for people with disabilities. I volunteered in special olympics, worked in a special ed preschool, I helped out special needs seminary for a year in high school. I've always gotten it and people with disabilities have never made me uncomfortable. It is SO hard to be on the parent end of all of this now. It is so hard to see your child ostracized. And part of what makes it hard it because people look at him and they don't see it. He doesn't have Down Syndrome, he doesn't have Cerebral Palsy. He doesn't have a diagnosis--yet. But he is hard. Hard for everyone. And it sort of offends me that he has to have a diagnosis for people to have any tolerance or understanding. And eventually people just leave because he is so intense and so much to deal with. It's so sad to me.

Wow, now I know my kid doesn't have a terminal illness or anything and that I am being kind of intense. But the funny thing is, people show lots of love and compassion for someone who is suffering from a terminal illness. But if you just have a kid that is really annoying or out of control is better to place blame and think their parents are crappy. I am not perfect. Sometimes I am a sucky parent. My kids are alive, they know we love them, and we have lots of laughs together. And I only swear in front of them once in a while. There is this line in the movie Sabrina, it goes something like this---"try to see the world through rose colored glasses". I am searching for that optimism right now but I've sort of lost that person.

Soooo Mysterious

I was going to go in order and talk about my little crazy man Ethan, but how about I talk about my big crazy man instead? Ya, that's Kyle.

First of all, he's totally going to make fun of this font and my

horrible layout.That's what I get for marrying an artist. Kyle is soooooo mysterious. No really, he is. He does it completely subconsciously, yet intentionally at the same time (is that possible? I guess in my house it is). He's hard to get to know, admit it. I guess that is how you become when you lose someone you love very much. You put up an INSANELY thick wall of protection so you don't get hurt again. And although he was very young when he experienced said loss, he has never forgotten and has not really moved forward. I have only come to understand how much it is a part of him over the course of the last year or so. He has shared things with me that I had never heard in the 10 years of our marriage. NEVER! And I can see he is actually facing it for the first time in his life. It's very, very slow, but that is how healing tends to be. He's always mad at me for sharing personal details with people so I am sure when he reads this post he will not be to fond of me. But it will only last for a minute. And that's because of the rockin' giftI got him for Valentine's Day.

So yes it was 2 days late (because I'm always late), but I got the job done nonetheless. And why did I have to do it on one freakin' specific day anyway? He helps me EVERY single day. He does so much for all of us. He is hell bent on be an amazing dad. I know this for sure because he has been working late every night this week and I am the one who is holding the constantly screaming baby instead of him. It's rough.

Ahhh, him and his narrow-mindedness. I told him I wanted to send him something at work for Valentine's Day and he got soooooooo mad. He threatened me not to do anything because he HATES having attention drawn to him. I swear he thought I was going to send him a singing telegram or some jazz like that. But my gift was really simple and proably really stupid to most people. So here it is:

Kyle is obsessed with anything Zombie. Zombie movies, being a Zombie, etc....so zombie mints where the perfect gift. I read the ingredients. No mint, but there is artificial meat flavor in them. Yummy! On the side it says "Mmmmm! Brain Flavor!"

And this is a poster of his favorite sentence. Yes, that's right. I am the coolest wife ever.

So he called me from work today to tell me how awesomely cool I am. I am not even kidding, it was his favorite. He has so little faith in me sometimes, but I know him like clockwork. And he was kind of giddy, like I had hoped. Just trying to make the long work day go by a little faster.

So next time you see Kyle, you should give him a pat on the back, or maybe even a great big bear hug. I feel like he does so many amazing things that he doesn't get credit for. He is the bestest honey boney in the whole wide world and I love him lots. You should too.

Feisty.

Much to my SHOCK and HORROR, I am actually

enjoying this blog thing. It's a good outlet for the crazy array of thought in my head. Be prepared for this to be the LONGEST POST YOU WILL EVER READ.

Tonight I am feeling rather feisty. I place the blame on the nasty superbowl food mixed with the crazy kids and the intense husband. So let's talk about chicks, man.

Ahhh, Ella. Isn't she fabulous? Being pregnant with her was complete and utter

misery from start to finish. Pain, pain, fatigue, horrible nausea, more pain. I had very few days that I didn't cry.

I had really irrational fears towards the end of my pregnancy that something horrible would go wrong. Well it didn't. And like any crazy mother, I still worry, worry, worry about my kids. But Ella's birth was something kind of amazing. It was like a little gift to me. Also a little gift to me- modern medicine- and now I will explain why.

Through motherhood, you really find the you give up control. Period. With Ethan, I wanted badly to have him without any pain medication. That went out the window at about 28 weeks. From that point on, he was breech. I was really angry when I had to cave in and have a

C-section. His birth was "scheduled."

With Ella I was bound and determined to go VBAC, whatever it took. I kept thinking about how amazing Jackson's birth was and how I craved to experience the intensity of giving birth the way you are "supposed to" (let's not use the V word today, okay?). That is, until she flipped at 26 weeks and also stay breech from that point on. Apparently I have uncooperative anatomy. Maybe it is due to that alien I had implanted in my abdomen a few years ago. It must still be taking up a lot of room. I was disappointed but still kept hoping she was flip. Well she decided to be feisty and never did. But, she (and my doctor, the $%#hole) gave me, well- a little of both worlds, which was kind of exciting to me. Here's how things played out:

MY DUE DATE: Monday, November 8th

**I want to start this out by saying that because my baby was breech, my doctor never thought it was important to check and see if I was dilated. Dummy. Also, if this part bores you, just skip to October 27th. That's when the real fun happens.

October 19th- Clean my carpets on my hands and knees. Complete and utter exhaustion, but the urge to do it was so intense that I could not resist.

October 20th- Decided to drive to IKEA on a whim. We needed a dresser before the baby came. My legs swelled up so bad just from driving them there that it was really painful to walk the rest of the day.

October 21th- Swelling in my feet is so bad that not only can I not wear shoes, but there is only 1 pair of flip flops that don't hurt my feet. Showing off my fatty feet to everyone. Doctor's appointment, baby is still breech. At this point, she's not turning and with me having a previous c-section it would be dangerous for me and the baby to try and get her to turn. We tentatively plan on November 1st for the c-section. I really wanted to have her in October because I LOVE LOVE LOVE Halloween. Oh well, better luck next time because I don't get to choose. C-sections are not allowed to be scheduled earlier than 39 weeks.

October 22nd-4:00 PM start getting a dull pain on my left side. The pain got worse and worse until it was so intense that I couldn't sleep. I was up all night. It wasn't rhythmic though so I just hung out in my room in pain. About 6:00 AM, the pain went away and didn't come back. I was sort of disappointed.

October 24th- Lost what I thought was my mucus plug (just writing the word mucus makes me wanna barf). Let's just say there was a lot of stuff going on 'downstairs'. Researched online and found that you could still wait for WEEKS for your baby to come after you lose it.

October 25th- I clean my house spotless. I do everyone's laundry.

October 26th- I do ALL the kids Christmas shopping. All of it. No joke. I find this part really crazy. I started going nuts at the end.

7:00 PM Carnival and Jack's school. I went to the bathroom before we left, while we there, and right when we got home. We were only there for an hour.

10:00 PM- As we were going to bed I told Kyle I felt like I should call my doctor in the morning because I felt like my amniotic fluid was leaking. I was trying to play it cool but I didn't sleep much. I know, and my body knows that things are starting to roll.

October 27th- 4:00 AM - Wake up to pee. The pillow between my legs is soaked. It is not pee. It's pink and it smells like amniotic fluid, because it is. It's like Jackson revisited (my water also broke with Jackson). At this point I know my water has broken so I start getting ready to go to the hospital. Not having contractions so I don't wake anyone up.

5:30 AM- An "oh no" moment. I run to the bathroom and a giant gush of amniotic fluid soaks me and my favorite sweat pants. Crap. And then the contractions start. Knowing that I am having a c-section I shouldn't wait much longer to head up to the hospital. I wake up Kyle and the kids.

6:30- We drop of the kids at fabulous Mandy Driggs house and head to the hospital. The contractions are not super bad but happen every time I get up and move around. It's starting to worry me a bit.

7:30- We get to the hospital and get all checked in. I am dilated to a 3. The nurse has been trying to get ahold of my doctor for about 45 minutes. She finally gets him and explains the situation. For some reason, still unknown to me, we cannot do the c-section until 1:30 PM. Yes, that's right. He and the hospital intend to make me wait 6 hours for him to show up so he can cut me open and rip my baby out. The nurse say she hopes they can "squeeze me in" and that it will be earlier. The doctor makes is seem as though the hospital is making us wait because there is a 7:30, 10:00 and 12:00 c-section scheduled. From this point on, it's a he said she said game.

10:00 AM- Still waiting for doctor. No drugs, no food, no fluid, no leaving my evil hospital prison bed except to pee. And that's not to mention the fact that I didn't eat the night before because I knew something was up. Your not supposed to eat or drink for 12 hours before a C-section.

11:00 AM- Still waiting. My surgery nurse comes in. She is evil and very unsympathetic. My contractions are now 4 minutes apart. At this point, the nursing staff really just starts ignoring us. They don't come in for a couple hours and don't really seem to care. They are under the impression I am just chillin'.

12:00PM- Kyle takes a break to go get some lunch. He is going as crazy as I am. He's only gone a little while but my labor really picks up in intensity while he is gone. He comes back and starts timing the contractions. He's trying to help me to relax during them and I am trying. I am mostly just angry because I know that I can't have the baby. I KNOW that I have to have a c-section. I start to worry about my labor picking up and that they are not taking it seriously.

12:30 PM- contractions 3 minutes apart and pretty intense, yet the nurse tells my doctor I am laboring comfortably. I hope she burns.

1:15 PM- Nurse is hanging out in my room waiting to take me to the operating room. She finally sees my actual contractions instead of reading them on the monitor at the nurse's station. She actually seems a bit worried. She realizes the monitor is not reading them correctly. She decides to wait to do anything about it. The doctor should be there any minute to get prepped for surgery so no worries, right?Contractions are now 2 minutes apart.

1:30- No doctor yet. She calls him. NO answer

1:45- Still no doctor. She calls him. He has just left (which means at least 15 more minutes for him to drive there, park his car, and get up to labor and delivery). Contraction are still at 2 minutes and I am ready to murder people. What kind of doctor makes you wait for 6 hours and then is late???????? REALLY???? I am literally beside myself. At this point, normal women would start pushing. I can't. I risk the baby's life because of her position and she has now pulled her feet up so her bum is first.

2:00- They decide to take me to the operating room. The nurse asks if I want her to check and see what I am dilated to. ARE YOU KIDDING? WHY? So I can know that I am dilated to a 10 but still having a c-section ? No thanks, I would prefer to go have a c-section right now please. The damn doctor finally shows up as they are bringing me a wheelchair to get me to the operating room. I can read the fear on the nurse faces now. They are worried. They realize we are close and getting ourselves into a sticky situation. I wanted to punch the nurse for bringing me a wheelchair. I just spent 7 hours in a hospital bed swelling up like a balloon, I am pretty freaking sure I can walk myself down the hall. See my doctor in the hall, he looks embarrassed. He should be. He didn't take the situation seriously and he now sees how intense the labor is. I had a contraction as we left the room We walk what was probably 50 feet to the operating room and I had another contraction. I am really angry but at this point I am not sure if it is the doctor's fault we waited so long or if it was the hospital making us wait for the other c-sections to go first.

2:05- Anesthesiologist starts prepping me. He's having a hard time because my contractions are so close. I'm having a MAJOR one as they lay me down. He ask me where I can feel it and I reply that it's ALL low. He says we better get the show on the road, and fast.

2:10- DRUGS. I am exhausted. This is the point with Ethan that I started making jokes and being crazy because of the drugs. Kyle threatened me that I better not make jokes this time. He doesn't have to worry. I'm so tired that all I can do is lay there and shut my eyes.

2:20- Ella is here! She is amazing. She SCREAMS right away. One problem. Here bum, it was on it's way out. How do I know? The doctor cut her right above her bum as he did my incision. Don't worry, it was completely superficial, but that just tells you that she was trying to make her way out and little bums are not meant to come first. This is the reason I am thankful for modern medicine.

2:30- Sewing me up. The doctor starts talking to the nurse. She tells him that my labor was really just fine until about the last 30 minutes. She turns to me and says "right?" I just say

"Let's not talk about it, let's just call it good." She shuts up real quick.

2:40- Doctor still cleaning up. Starts talking with the nurse and other doctor about malpractice insurance. Didn't think the conversation was applicable until later, when I found out that it was his fault that we waited so long. Needless to say, not my doctor anymore.

3:00- Waiting in triage. I have to stay there for 1 hour. I am all alone. Just me and the nurse. Tick, tock, tick, tock. How long I ask her? It's 3:10. 5o more minutes of waiting and doing nothing. I want my baby. Now.

3:15- I hear Kyle coming down the hall. I can still remember the feeling of hearing his voice and I can tell he is pushing the baby bassinet. A wave of relief comes over me to hear him. I almost can't breathe out of excitement and joy. I don't have to sit there alone anymore. It makes sitting there for 45 more minutes actually bearable with him and Ella there. I finally feel like I can let go and enjoy these amazing moments. Ella is hungry, she is rooting all around and she is so perfect. She is already making me giggle and she is all mine. I want to cuddle her so bad that it hurts. The feeling in the room is hard to explain, like heaven is right there with us and nothing in the world matters but these moments. 7 pounds 4 ounces, and almost 2 weeks early. GO ELLA! We are in a fog of happiness.

From there is was feeding babies and not sleeping. I was mad at the hospital and doctor for some time after she was born- mostly because they did not seem to make the safety of my baby their priority.

In complete honesty, I look back at my labor and am glad I got to go through all of it. Having kiddles is exciting and scary and amazing and life changing. Ellla's birth was like a little gift to me, to get to experience a little (well actually most) of the birth I wanted so badly.

She is so amazing and such a blessing to our family. I just love her chubby, feisty, gassy, spit-up covered little body. Sometimes I still can't believe she is here and how lucky I am.

THE END

Okay, deep breath. In through your nose, out through your mouth. So it's late again, and I should be in bed, so we will just start calling this CRAZY TIME because I kind of turn in to a looney toon. It's all the lack of people talking or crying at the same time that does it to me.

So here is the short list on what all the crazies at my house are doing. I'll keep it concise so you don't zone out after the first sentence.

Kyle- hmmmm, not in love with his job (I'm trying to be polite), looking for jobs in Portland, holds Ella a lot, gets hurt by Ethan a lot, gets confused by Jackson a lot (because of the oppositness of their personalities), does way too much for me- a lot.

Bonnie- chasing the children, trying to find motivation to care, teaching piano and aerobics, and trying not to freak out on a regular basis

Jackson- hero is Bill Nye the Science Guy. Hates sports, hates confrontatio

n, obsessed with the Wii and his DS, asked me today what aggressive means and then asked me if he was aggressive. I had a good laugh at that one.

Ethan- The aggressive question would be a resounding YES here. Also obsessed with the Wii and DS, but just as obsessed with Dinosaurs and his baby sister. Ella is already scared of him, and for good reason

Ella- getting more and more feisty everyday. Don't pull on her arm or even dare to put her on her belly, she will never forgive you--well not at least for a few hours. She needs to remember she is on my team. Also, she is sleeping like a champ at night. Yes, I am rubbing that in your face.

Feeling ready to leave Utah. I have to say that Davis County (and a little bit of Weber County) kind of freaks me out. Maybe it is because everyone where's the same jeans and ha

s the same pair of boots and the same plastic surgeon. The hippy in me is freakin' ready to throw some organic tomatoes at all of them. I guess maybe I am just embracing the possibility of change. Let's face it, I've only lived outside of Utah for 2 years of my whole life. Those 2 years were spent in Kansas, none of which I even remember because-haha- I was 2 when we moved to Utah. I guess it's time for my 31 year-old-lady body to experience some cultu

re shock.

Also, I felt like posting this picture of Kyle. Here he is, in all his glory, wearing Jackson's baseball shirt that I accidentally order a tad (or a maybe a lot) too big. We all had a good laugh that dad could fit into 7-year-old Jack's t-shirt

Okay ever since Ella was born I have had this nagging feeling that this stupid blog thing----this blog thing that completely freaks me out----it totally and completely necessary. I don't know why, I don't really want to know why. For some reason in my head I feel like it may be some crazy weird divine purpose, but whatever. So here I am, at the computer way past my bedtime, trying to findthe motivation to do some yoga because I am SOOOO freaking sore all over my body, yet I am so distracted by getting this blog going that I can't even think straight. I am a horrible journal keeper, horrible! I hate writing and thinking of person things to say, but for some reason, when I sit down to the computer I can just spit it all out.

So here I am, I am gonna try this. My kids are just as super awesome as yours. That's right, they are and I am not going to stop talking about it until you are really super sick of me. So that's where I am. My kids. That's who this is for. And maybe a little for me. Maybe to help me remember the good things and the the things that inspire me. Maybe it's for me to be just a little bit obnoxious because face it, that is what I am. Sorry M

om and Dad, but I blame you for my obnoxiousness. No filter, so don't expect one and you better just learn to like it.