Monday, March 11, 2013

Hair color= avalanche

It's rather amazing to me how one decision can trigger something as catastrophic as an avalanche. One decision can set in motion a series of events, and once that series of events has momentum it is hard to stop. That's how I feel about my hair color.
    So I decided to go brunette for the first time since I was in high school. Brunette is actually a lot closer to my real hair color than blonde is and I decided it was time to quit pretending. I guess I've been needing change in my life lately. I felt like someone a little different on the inside so now how about letting everyone see someone a little different on the outside.  I didn't realize how something as simple as changing your hair color can trigger an avalanche. In fact, looking back I realized that my first blog post in over 2 years was the day after I colored my hair. I've been in a dark, unhappy place for months now. Funny how that is, now that my marriage is much more stable that I seem to be the one lost. I don't really know how to explain the change in me, but I'm not joking that it started with my hair. And then came the major recognition: it made me feel like someone different. It made me feel like someone who could find confidence, passion, strength, and yet still be an empathetic person. I don't know why I a hard time balancing all of if, but for some reason when I try to be confident I become snobby instead and that's definitely the person I DON'T want to be. I want to be a confident person who can still reach out to others instead of letting my fears take over and hide me inside of my house. As I think back a little more, I don't really think it started with my hair. I think it started to happen a little while before that but when I went to my amazing Me'chell Thomas to get my hair all did is actually when I think I started  to recognize the change myself. So here's to the future, and I think it's a bright one. I hope for it to be filled with more smiles on my part. More compassion and understanding for people and especially those people who are different from me or might have a different belief system(this one is hardest of all). More confidence in my decision. More strength to be a leader and an example to others. And more acceptance of myself as a great person and a person of strength. I think now that I've begun to realize that I am someone of value that I can take those risks on people and it won't be so scary. It obvious that if you don't believe in yourself it's hard to believe in others too.
    I want to dream big again. I remember when I was young I used to love to sit and play piano and sing while I played. I hated it when anyone would catch me so I would be sneaky and do it while no one was around. Now I wonder to myself why I was so selfish? Why didn't I just sing at the top of my lungs? WHY DIDN'T I TAKE SOME FREAKING RISKS? Sorry to my neighbors who are going to be hearing me sitting at the piano singing a lot, I'll probably be off pitch, but I don't care because it comes from the heart and I LOVE IT! It makes me feel a love, makes me feel passion, and very rarely do I sit at the piano and sing without it bringing me to tears at some point. It's one a the only places I feel like raw emotion is free to flow. I want to be brave, maybe write some songs, make them something that I would be proud of and not worry about what others think. And that's the key: do it for myself and no one else (ok maybe for my fam too). :) Good night. 

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