Monday, March 11, 2013

Zumba killed my body today

So today I finally had a lightbulb moment, you know, one of those unique times where it finally all becomes clear. Let me start by saying this about my lightbulb moment: I'm not very good at confidence or initiative. That would pretty much sum up my lightbulb moment. For some dumb reason, I think I've been trying to figure out the answer to this since before I was even pregnant with Ella. After having her, times were rough and busy. They are still rough and busy, but at least there is bedtime. Ahhh, beloved bedtime. I digress, anyway my lightbulb moment seem to clarify my trials instantly. It seemed to clarify a couple things for me; number one being the doubts that I have in friendships and that it is time to move on and let go. I don't really feel like anyone in our neighborhood/ward cares even a tiny bit about us. This makes me really sad. I don't think I am half bad, but it seems like people don't think twice about us (we'll go in to detail in next paragraph). The other thing that became much more clear to me was what a difference confidence makes. Even if you are completely faking it!!! So let's clarify both:
     The whole friendship in the neighborhood/ward thing has really been weighing on me for quite some time. I feel dejected and I feel like it's my fault that some people don't want to be friends with me or us. This is actually probably true on some level and some of that I can never recover from, I have to just take it as a loss. None of it was intentional, I just maybe put my foot in my mouth too many times or was too hard on someone instead of caring about them. I have very impatient empathy, I'm working on taking a step back and having more patient empathy. The realization that some of it is past fixing became very clear to me, but it also became very obvious that I care about it WAY too much. It's time for me to let go of those past friends who have decided to move on to greener pastures and time for me to move on to greener pastures too, only they are the ones who are losing out. I also realized the initiative thing: I'm not being the best kind of friends to the ones I actually have nor am I reaching back when someone has reached out to me. Why? SOO much fear of rejection! So much fear of not measuring up, and sometimes, the lack of energy to actually try at the friendship. I could try a lot harder with Janelle, but friendships take hard work and sometimes I am too selfish with my time and energy and friendship seems like a waste of that precious time and energy. That is until I realize that everyone else is off having fun, but I'm in time and energy saving-land instead. 
       Confidence in my profession and how it completely changes what I do. I need to let go of my doubts about me and what I am doing. They follow me around like a plague and stress me out to no end. I don't know what I am like this, it's of course probably a combination of conditioning and genetics. In other words, on some level I have learned the way I have become. When I was younger I was not afraid to be myself and be a little ridiculous. Once you hit junior high that all changes and I can tell that's when I turned a corner. I decided that hiding was much safer than actually standing up and being proud of who I am. It's sad that it's taken me so many years to figure this one out. 33 years old and I still fill like I have to fight with myself everyday to be more confident. I find myself swaying to the easier side of things, taking the easier road and trying not to care when other people pass me up, but I really do. Some of it has been because I have been very busy raising my family. And now maybe I am ready to face the fact that I am just as fabulous as I want to be, and likewise I am just as sloppy as I let myself be. I see a lot of my inhibitions in my little sister and it makes me sad to watch her give into her inhibitions. I want joy and happiness for her too. It's like watching a little part of yourself fail when I see the way she lets life push her down and she doesn't get back up and fight, or maybe she gets back up but she starts fighting the wrong person or the wrong battle. Anyway, digress again.

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